Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Monty Python Oil Spill

Actually oil spill is hardly even close to the right term, but it is definitely like something out of Monty Python. Just to recap, three companies drill a hole in the seafloor a mile down, they all skimp at every possible opportunity, the thing blows up and oil starts gushing out...

Act 2. Scene 1
Enter the top hat type of idea...ok lets stick something on top and see what happens.... it is only 5000-ish barrels per day. Hey it is clogging up, whoever thought it was so cold down there. Aww shit that doesnt work.

Act 2 Scene 2
It's ok we can dump Corexit on it, that makes it magically fade away... Arsenic is the main ingredient? Well lets not get into details, anyway look on the bright side, we wont have a rat problem in the Southeastern USA for decades to come. What about the plankton, ecology etc. ? Yeah those protestors really suck right, it is hard to even buy them off, and shit man we sponsored that furry thing at the zoo. No I mean the ecology of the gulf... yeah right I got you there, yeah ecology, nice word this huh? Let me get back to you on that one...

Act 2 Scene 3
[Cut to the Whitehouse...]
[Oops cut to the golf course..]
President playing golf.

Act 2 Scene 4
[The press conference]
Oil? What oil? I dont see any oil...Ahhh that oil, well what you have to understand is that there is a shit load of oil in the gulf anyway, and we have just a little leak, so it's barely noticable. It's all perfectly natural, see our private Coast Guard agrees totally with us. Look just to make everyone happy we will throw out some booms.

Act 3.

Operation Top Kill... The idea is to shove a bunch of crap down the hole and bung it up. The technical and scientific term for this is defined as "pissing upstream".

Act 3 Scene 2.
Ok so we are shoving petroleum based sludge and golf balls mixed with shredded tyres down the hole. It is looking like the dam behind the 8th right now, so many golf balls in there. Hey but something cool, we got it up to 80 bpm of crap we were shoving down there, then the pussies in the white house told us to stop. They were worried we might make it worse...you know get the little leak up to 6000 bpd.

Act 3 Scene 3
[The whitehouse]
Show an ex Beetles dude singing...

Act 3 Scene 4
[Press Conference]
Well of course birds die right? Otherwise we would have tons of birds everywhere right...gee show some commonsense pUlease.... But what do you say to the pictures of brown birds coming out? Well look we are trying to track down the people that took those pictures as we speak...No I mean the Brown birds...Look I don't see why this is hard to understand....you think they are called Brown Pelicans because they are supposed to be white?

Admiral what is your opinion of the matter? I agree with what he says...

Act 3 Scene 5
[Somewhere on the Louisiana coast...]
Shit man hurry up remove that crap off the beach before the president arrives...you mean the oil? What fucking oil, I don't see any oil, its just crap washed up from Cuba. Next person who mentions oil is fired and we torch your house - got that??

Ah welcome Mr. President, glad you could join us...I am happy to be here, always a pleasure to travel. Waiter I will have a Banana Daqueri please...So Mr President what do you think of the beach?... It is lovely I must say, it is always a pleasure to come to the Bahamas... but Mr President this is Louisiana...oh pleased to meet you, it is lovely here in the Bahamas...no I mean we are in Lousiana...look I am the President, make no mistake, so I won't have that sort of Language used around me, no matter how good she looks... No I mean this is the state of Louisiana...look I am the President, so don't make stuff up, I should know how many states we have! And if we had some place called Louisiana I would have heard of it before now...Still it is nice here in the Bahamas I have to admit...

Act 3 Scene 6
[President leaves]
Right you lot, on the buses and get the hell out. Collect your 50 bucks at the county line.

Act 4
[Make old batman scene cutting sound]
Meanwhile a new plan has been put into effect, Top hat version 2, but we will give it a better sounding name....Large Hadron Collider, LHC sounds good right? Sorry we can't use that one, already taken....well nevermind think something up. So here is the plan, we lower something that looks like an old rocket hacksawed together by a 14yo in his dads workshop onto the top of the BOP. (BOP - Big Oil Producer)

Act 4 Scene 2.
[Deep down in the ocean]
...well the first problem is we need to saw off the broken junk on top so we get a snug fit. As Sally the office girl describes it, it is a bit like trying to get a condom on one of those L shaped dicks...so we need to prepare the ground. Straighten it out so to speak. That is why we are using this fancy hacksaw to cut the top off.

Act 4 Scene 3
[On the surface]
Awww shit the saw has jammed... I don't get it, it's not like there isnt enough lube down there... Shit man I told you not to buy the 12 for 10 buck blades. See you pay extra like that and there is no point. We could have got the 12 for $2.99 instead you know...

Ok forget the sawing, this is bullshitsu, who has the big tin snips??

Act 4 Scene 4
[Press Conference]
Ok yes there was a risk that cutting off the top would let oil leak out a little faster, but we are very pleased with the result. We are now collecting 11,000 barrels per day which we think is about 1/3 of the total outflow...err didn't you say it was only leaking 5000 per day? and if your collecting 1/3 that means....SECURITY! SECURITY....we have a trouble maker who thinks his a mathematician...remove them please.

Now as we were saying we are collecting 1.9 million dollars...sorry I mean 11,000 barrels per day. Which is really great news right?

But when I look at the camera I see what looks like lots of oil escaping...no no no... that is not what your seeing... Well could you tell us what we are seeing? ... I would like to, but it is fairly complicated and it might bore you... it's ok we would like to know...well of course as mentioned there is a little bit of leakage still, but that is ok we are working on that. Little Jim is back in his dads garage working on a modification as we speak. But fundamentally what you are seeing is mostly not oil escaping...but it is black...please let me finish, the thing is down there it is dark right, and oil is black...so really what looks like a shit load of oil coming out, isnt really oil, it just sort of a bit looks that way...

Coast guard admiral..what do you think? ... Well as has been mentioned this is a complicated matter, but fundamentally I think what they think I should think. I think you understand my thinking here right...

What about the sick workers who are turning up?.....food poisoning....next?

At this stage it is early days, so we need to keep things in context, that is a success. Any more questions? No...Thankyou.

Act 5
Oil starts to turn up on beaches from Texas to Florida...

Act 5 Scene 2
[A beach somewhere on the gulf]
...isn't it lovely, sugar white sands baby, cmon down we are open for business! ... But what about the those oil droplets scattered on the beach? ..Oil what oil??...Those things over there...look that isnt oil that is tar, there is huge difference DUH!... but it starting to look like people have taken a dump in the water...look now your just exaggerating, a few blobs here and there...we have a cleanup crew of 4 guys 30 miles away ready to swing into action...so cmon down baby we are open for business!... but what about the oil problem....yep I agree bring your sun tan oil baby, we are open for business!... but what about the dead dolphin and turtle over there?... look turtles die, dolphins die, god made it that way... anyway if you watched Discovery more, you would know that what has obviously happened here is the turtle fought it out with the dolphin and they took each other out...really man you need to get more educated...

[The press conference]
What about the oil? ...what do you mean oil? no oil here, I don't see any oil... Why are all of those fisherman out of work then? ... Look that is just a silly question, everyone knows fisherman have ups and downs, it is a seasonal thing, sometimes they have good harvests of corn and other years bad...just the way it is... Feel free to ask them! ...well we have tried but apparently they are not allowed to talk to the media....more nonsense of course they are free to talk to the media...but...let me finish, I think the problem your having is just a communication problem...but...no no ... they can talk as much as they like, i think the problem your having is that they are working in restricted areas so you have to shout louder..

[The Whitehouse while shaving]
Who is this chick called Lousiana....I still don't get it...oh well golf today...Daddy did you plug Lousiana yet...eh ummm

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